A young Donegal woman sexually assaulted by her grandfather when she was just five years old has bravely spoken of the effects.
The woman courageously took to the witness stand at Letterkenny Circuit Court and recalled how her grandfather touched her while telling her they were playing a “game” that she should keep a secret from her mother.
The betrayal of trust has left lasting scars and the woman who is now studying to become a teacher has said how seeing children in classrooms now reminds her of “the innocence that I have lost”.
Her chosen profession has “been incredibly difficult”, she said, due to the incident.
The man, who is in his 70s and cannot be named for legal reasons to protect the identity of the victim, appeared before Judge John Aylmer.
The alleged offending occurred when the complainant was between five and six years of age and the accused was in his 60s.
Detective Garda David Leahy told Ms Fiona Crawford BL, barrister for the state, that gardai received a note from Tusla in 2022 that a complaint was made by a woman against her grandfather.
The woman attended a Garda Station and provided Detective Garda Leahy with a statement of complaint.
She alleged that her grandfather was staying at her home when the alleged incident took place.
After going to a room he was in as she felt there might be a present for her, her grandfather told her they could play a game – but only if she kept it a secret, especially from her mother.
The man removed her trousers and rubbed her vagina, she said, and he told her that if she was “good” they could play the game again.
The man overheard the young girl tell another child about the new “game”. He gave out to her and told her that they were “not allowed to play that game again”.
Some years later, she disclosed what had happened to her and this sparked a complaint being made to gardai.
Her mother confronted the man in a WhatsApp message, the court heard.
The man was interviewed on two occasions by gardai. He admitted to detectives that her played games and “it went too far”. He admitted to touching the girl inappropriately.
He told gardai that he was “very sorry” and wanted to take grief away from the woman.
The court was told that the accused man apologised when he was contacted. He said the woman had “nothing to fear”.
In a text message, he said: “I have made my peace with God and I am at your mercy.”
The accused man has no previous convictions.
Mr Colm Smyth SC, barrister for the defendant, told the court that a probation report would be available by the next term of the court and asked that legal aid be extended to cover a report from the man’s GP.
Judge Aylmer adjourned sentencing and the man was remanded on continuing bail to the next sitting of Letterkenny Circuit Court.
The woman, who in her 20s, read a powerful and emotional victim impact statement and said she was in court to share how her grandad’s actions had “forever changed my life”.
She said her grandfather was someone she looked up to and trusted deeply.
“He was supposed to be my protector,” she said, but he used his position in her life to “harm me in unimaginable ways”.
She said she struggled for years to even acknowledge what happened and she lived with constant feelings of “shame, confusion and fear”.
“I want to speak for the little girl I was and the woman I am now,” she said. “The emotional toil of the abuse is something that I carry with me every single day. It shaped how I see myself and the world around me.
“I felt same in my family’s presence, but that sense of safety was stolen”.
The woman outlined how “the betrayal cut the deepest. He took advantage of the trust in the worst possible way”.
She said that, before the incident, her grandfather was her favourite person and she always looked forward to his visits.
The victim now struggles to trust anyone, constantly questions peoples’ intentions and the impact has left relationships “incredibly difficult” for her.
She said: “I have battled feelings of guilt and shame. There is always a part of me that feels dirty and broken. It makes it difficult for me to feel happy in my own skin.
“The physical effects are very real and the strain and anxiety takes a toll on my body”.
The court heard how she suffers from frequent headaches and her stomach hurts because “I am on edge”.
She said: “The panic attacks are one of the worst physical symptoms, sometimes triggered by a sound or a word. I start sweating, my heart starts racing.”
The scars of the past, she said, have made her feel like there is a wall making it difficult to connect with and feel close to others.
At one stage, she “resented everything and everyone around me” and her school work, friendships and relationships were neglected.
Having confided in her mother, she said their relationship was “never the same” and holidays are now “tainted and unbearable, a painful reminder of what happened”.
“The memories and the weight of the abuse made it impossible to fully enjoy holidays,” she said. “It made me wish that I had kept quiet so we could stay the big, happy family we once were”.
Family occasions, which she said should be a time of love and celebrations, are now something she avoids as they make her feel “hollow and painful”.
“What my grandad did was more than a crime – it was a betrayal that left lasting scars on me, my home and my family,” she said. “It’s as if a part of me is always stuck in the past. No matter how much work I do, I will always be that scared little kid.
“He made me promise that it was our little secret. It was incredibly confusing growing up and hearing people talk about how much they loved their grandad and sharing stories about their grandad spoiling them. I couldn’t relate at all; the man who was supposed to love and protect me was the man who hurt me the most.
“It made me feel isolated and like I couldn’t share my truth about anything. I felt like I had to hide and felt that there was something wrong and that I was unworthy of love that others had from their grandads.
“When he visited he would constantly sexualise me; he would be eating breakfast and call me his ‘little schoolgirl’. They are disgusting memories.
“I feared the day that I would finally snap and tell someone: Who would believe that a grandad would do such a thing to his own granddaughter.”
The woman said she is determined to move on.
She added: “I am learning to find the strength and rebuild the trust and the happiness he took from me”.